I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
