I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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