chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
i used baking grease as lip gloss
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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