Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize