Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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