So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
