Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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