Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
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