so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
