i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
