It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
