definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
