he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
