I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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