Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
