overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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