Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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