i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
