my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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