You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
