plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Randomize
