i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Randomize
