I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
