Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
