This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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