Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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