Your mouth is God's brothel.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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