she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
