I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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