I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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