i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Randomize
