He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
