i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
