I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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