I CAN MOONWALK!
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
