She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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