I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
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