I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
