The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
