you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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