This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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