She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
