I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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