which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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