ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
