Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
