I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
