the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
