my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
