having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
You dont lie about slip and slides
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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