I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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