get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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