Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
it's like heaven, but drunker
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Randomize
