i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
