I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
