the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Randomize
