who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
