What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
