I cut my penus on the lid.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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