i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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