I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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